To the Democratic National Committee
From: Michael Moore
As a registered Democrat, I am in receipt of your survey questionnaire and your request for financial support.
I tried my best to respond to your questions about whether I think classrooms are getting too crowded, or whether Social Security should be privatized. I have opinions about those things, but frankly, with the economy in the tank and the government savaging our freedoms here at home and charging off to bomb terrorist weddings overseas and turning the world into an American military enclave, I haven't thought much lately about fine tuning our society. Maybe if we had paid more attention to education thirty years ago we wouldn't be up to our noses in alligators today.
Your survey repeatedly asks what I personally think about various issues, as well as what I think the voters think. I appreciate that you are trying to sample some public opinion before going into an election year. But I wouldn't go pandering to the voters if I were you. You are the guys standing for public office, and if all you plan to do is take some bathtub curve of party opinion and present it as the heartfelt conviction of your candidate, nobody in the liberal wing of your constituency is going to buy it. You have a real dilemma.
Right or wrong, most people I talk to are pretty clear about what they think in these divisive times. It's hard to get a fix on congressional Democrats, however, and you who formulate their position statements. Did you guys just get in off the golf course or something? You seem to be asking us what it is you stand for, or what you would be prepared to stand for if you could figure out what the voters want you to stand for. Are you whores? Don't you have any convictions of your own? Cant you just go with those? Were you going to change your opinions to match mine?
The reason George Bush is going to kick your asses next year is because he is morally unambiguous about his monstrous agenda. Have you no equally clear alternative to his ugly vision for us all? Don't these flies set off some kind of alarms with you people?
I'm sorry, but I can't help you to figure out what you think. Read the papers, take some classes, talk to your pastor. When you come up with some opinions one way or another, let's hear them. If we like them we'll vote for you, and if we don't we won't. That's how moral clarity works. It comes from down inside you, and you trot it out and stand behind it and take your chances at the polls.
At the end of your survey you ask me for money. My budget is limited for donations, and there are, as you can imagine, many demands on everybody's financial support out here. I gave money to MoveOn to lobby you (unsuccessfully) to oppose the war. I gave money to ACLU to oppose domestic tyranny. I gave money to Amnesty to fight the erosion of human rights here and elsewhere. I gave money to independent media to bring us news not saturated with government propaganda. I gave money to Gospel Rescue Mission and the Salvation Army to feed and shelter victims of this heartless society and this horrible economy. I gave money to Catholic Relief and Doctors Without Borders and the AFSC to try to clean up the administration's bloody messes. It doesn't make any sense to turn around now and support your torpid organization, which has rubberstamped Bush's asinine little empire and tolerated the bad people and policies my money has gone to oppose. I am not among the vast herd of flagsucking idiots who can not think beyond supporting the troops, standing united and marching in lockstep into the third world to kill some hallucinatory bogeyman dreamed up by Dr. Strangelove and a pack of neoconservative religious fanatics. It is bad enough that my taxes finance it. No, you can't have any of my money unless you are willing to help.
Given that your ideas, not mine, are the ones that matter here, I'm appending a list of random questions of my own, which hopefully your candidates will be able to elucidate prior to the presidential primaries, regardless of which way the political winds are blowing at that time:
Gentlemen, the Bus of State is headed for cliffside, and your ludicrous quiz seems to be asking me whether I would like to go over the edge a little to the right or a little to the left of the spot Bush and his apocalyptic lunatics have picked. Try to see this. We have come down the wrong road. We need to hit the brakes and make an immediate U-turn. If your party and your patchwork candidate can not offer to do this, let's hear no more from you.
If our best option is a fast and merciful end, we are best served by the executioner we've got.
Yours very sincerely,
From: Michael Moore
Who would have believed that after having been in touch with you for just a few hours you have already made me a Democratic e-Captain? E-Captain Mike. I like the sound of that. I'm puzzled, however, that, after reading my letter, you believe that I can "help you make a difference." You aren't going to make much of a difference if people like me vote for Nader. And you aren't going to make a difference if there isn't anything different about you.
So let me understand this. Assuming that I have this circle of friends and family who will be interested in hearing the Democratic message (once you are able to articulate it), I am to organize them into a team (of which I will be the Captain.) You will keep me briefed on certain inside information at http://democrats.org/ecaptains/, pertinent to the issues which are important to me (see above). I will receive a decoder ring, and a password to the DNC e-captains cyberwashroom. Have I got it?
To touch on some of your other items, I have, as I mentioned, already taken the survey. As for inviting my friends and family members to visit your web site, I really think you had better talk to them through me. A lot of them are old school liberals from the sixties and seventies who still remember getting beat up by Mayor Daly's municipal cops and watching them trash Gene McCarthy's campaign headquarters. They voted for Nixon just to get even with you, and to tell the truth they still harbor some resentment. The Party has spread way over to the right again (probably to stay in touch with the government) so until you re-learn the language of the people you'd better let me translate that inside information to the folks over left of center.
Sometimes my meaning gets lost in my subtle prose, so you perhaps misunderstood what I said about not sending money. Let me say it less cleverly. I won't be making any financial contributions until I start believing that you intend to recognize the concerns that I, my friends and my family are completely freaked out about today. Bad Democrats. No money. Make me proud and then we'll see.
Well, thanks again for putting your trust in me. I'm off to "MyDNC" to check my mailbox and get working on those hot issues. Please try to get my questions (above) answered pretty quick, since I am afraid most of my contacts are going to want your position on much of that stuff before they join the team.
e-Captain, Democratic National Committee